Aku kangen

Someday, i will go there again. 
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Is life just a series of distractions until we die? 

I know many would disagree about this. You would probably said, "No, life is more than that. You don't understand. Open your eyes. There are a lot more things to do to make this life more meaningful". Yeah, yeah, like I know what meaningful life is like. I mean, you do things to make yourself happy, then what? After you happy, you wish that you feel content about it. But, after some time, the happiness is gone and you don't feel the contentment anymore. Moreover, define what happiness is? Some said that happiness is when you give something to other, when you help people. Some said that happiness is when you're doing what you love. But what is the point if I still don't grasp the concept of happiness?

Has I turn my heart and soul into a block of ice?

Is it the answrer?


Is it the answer?

Nevertheless, Fours often report that they feel they are missing something in themselves, although they may have difficulty identifying exactly what that “something” is. Is it will power? Social ease? Self-confidence? Emotional tranquility?—all of which they see in others, seemingly in abundance. Given time and sufficient perspective, Fours generally recognize that they are unsure about aspects of their self-image—their personality or ego-structure itself. They feel that they lack a clear and stable identity, particularly a social persona that they feel comfortable with.


Keep me busy


Right after I wrote the previous post, there was this annoying feeling that crept to me, it said, "why are you self-diagnosed yourself as numb, empty, hollow, and lonely. Even you claimed it to lead to depression. Don't be such a drama. Get up!". This annoyed me as much because I don't like to be criticized, especially by myself. So I ignored that voice and started staring at the ceiling, wondering where did I go wrong?

I didn't get the answer, of course. My self conscious didn't want to answer even though I am pretty certain it knew. But whatever. And suddenly I just wanted to get up from bed. I did. And my mind went like this, "Whoa. You did that! Such an accomplishment". I know this is my meta-conscious speaking but I taken aback by the feeling it bring for such a minimal attempt. I decided to continue whatever it is by get out of bed. And yes I did. Then I looked in front of me. Oh there were my son's toys spread all over the floor. I tidied it up and put it back to its place. Then I feel that my house was bit a mess so I tidied it up too. Then I felt my hair was really messy I couldn't comb it. So I went to the bathroom and wash it with shampoo and try to comb it a bit. Then the sudden urge to write it down was hit me so here I am, sitting down in front of my laptop and start writing. 

You know where I'm going? I know in order to stay sane is that I have to set a goal. Just like my previous post about: an incredible woman who never stop accomplishes her goals. And I know that goal is not necessarily to be something complicated. Even to get up from bed is the achievement I should be proud of. This is my attempt to set things to be as normal as possible by setting as many goals as possible, even if it is just as tiny weeny as put a book back in its drawer. Cook dinner, wash laundry, eat 3 times a day, bathing my son, etc. I should've known better before, remembering that I always carry a book or needles and yarns everywhere, indicating that I need to achieve something, but knitting or reading books can take more time to complete, maybe that's why I don't have much motivation to work it out. ( I am the type of person who really like to see how much and how fast progress I make in a matter of project, and get the motivation from it ). 

The highlight is: to keep my mind busy. That's all. 

New Obsession


I know a woman, who incredibly smart and good looking. I first catch a glance at her when accidentally I found her blog. I fall in love with her writing instantly. In my mind, her writing is multilayered, chaotic, complicated, and brutally honest. I like the way she chooses her words and the way she thinks, show me that she is a smart person. 

I wasn't stop there. I started to look her name on Google. Voila. There she is. I found her instagram. Okay, it sounds creepy, I admit. But I can't stop myself right there. I have to know how her mind works. I have to know what kind of life she has so she can write all of those things. Before I found her instagram, I have idealizing her as this super perfect woman who has perfect life (at least perfect in my term) and I knew that this pre-thinking of her ideal life will backfired at me. 

After I swiped her feed one by one, I know that she live the life that doesn't agree with my inherited value, or my religion value, or local wisdom that generally being embraced by Indonesian society. Not that I judge her. She has her own life style, and I totally respect it. What I mean by backfired is that her choosen life have nothing to do with her intelligent. I know this is a stereotyping (and it shouldn't be used in an argument). But generally speaking, that kind of lifestyle doesn't go together with brainiac person. And it seems that she really break those stereotype by doing the opposite of people think she wouldn't do. 

You maybe want to say, "who are you? you don't even know her. you don't even talk to her. you don't have the rights to give comment about her life.". Yeah, you're right. What i'm trying to say here is that I really adore her intelligence, and I have nothing to do with her life style, even what makes me adore her more is with all of that thing that makes her to be her, she still have the time to improve herself and achieve more and more great thing, greater than I would ever achieve myself. 

I like it, though. Thinking about other woman's achievements (let me tell you: she won schollarship to UK, she wrote many publications on the national newspaper, she wrote many columns on the in-house magazine where she works, she is a representative of the ministry where she works and often being sent abroad to discuss national financial problem with representative from other country, and so on) make me have something to make my mind busy. And I would like to know more people like her (although I don't know where to start). I know this won't change my life (or my mind) drastically but I know it will make me willing to go (i)somewhere(/i) instead of just stuck in the moment (and being depressed).